When Do We Give A Wedding Gift?

Question from Illinois Dad:

I was hoping you can share your advice.

My son announce last spring that he was going to get married next year. He called me yesterday and told me he got married by the justice of the peace a week ago, but they will still have a ceremony next year.

Should we send a gift now or when the ceremony takes place?

Answer from The Wedding Expert:

Hi.  It is becoming more and more common for couples to have a simple marriage with the Justice of the Peace or Marriage Commissioner, and then (when they can afford it) have the wedding celebration.  All gifts are just that—a gift given because the giver chooses to give one.  When it comes to weddings, the proper etiquette is to give a gift after a wedding invitation has been received.

As the father of the groom, there are traditional costs that the groom’s family pays for.  Two main things are an engagement party for the groom’s side of the family and the rehearsal dinner.  Both are optional events and not everyone holds engagement parties or rehearsal dinners.  Then there is a list of costs that is usually covered by the groom and the groom’s family.  This list can vary, and there is no hard and fast rule, but costs usually include the boutonnieres for the groomsmen, and the bride’s bouquet; transportation costs; marriage license and church costs; honeymoon, etc.  With the cost of weddings, sometimes the groom’s family will instead contribute a set amount of money toward the wedding costs, or offer to pay for specific parts of the wedding, like the liquor at the reception.

Whether you choose to contribute to the wedding, or just give a gift depends upon the financial situation that families find themselves in.  If a family contributes to the wedding, the gift given is usually smaller than if they don’t contribute to the wedding.  You might want to consider that before you decide to give a gift now or later.

It seems to me that you feel like you should be giving them a gift at this time.  If you heart is urging you to do so, then I recommend you do it.  If you want to contribute to the wedding costs, you can also offer to do that.  A gift is something given freely from the heart of the giver, and there is no right or wrong.

Enjoy the wedding.  A year comes quickly and there is a lot of wedding planning within that time period.

Angela Fiebelkorn, The Wedding Expert